Always Loving You Read online

  Unable to bear the pain in his eyes, she rushed over to him, grabbing his hands. “No, Mac, that’s not it.”

  Clasping their joined hands against his chest, he asked, “Then why? Why are you suddenly doing all these crazy things that are going to do nothing but get you hurt?”

  Ava fought against the desire to put some space between them and steady her nerves. He was staring at her as if he was trying to see inside her head. He was in her space, and normally she wouldn’t allow that to happen. This time, though, she fought herself to deepen the intimacy of the moment, knowing that she needed to start baring her soul if she were ever to have a future with him. “I need to live, Mac. I want to stop being so afraid of everything all the time.”

  “Is that what the kiss was about yesterday?” Mac asked softly.

  Pulling one hand loose from his hold, she cupped the side of his face, stroking the stubble that was starting to break through his smooth skin. “No, that was because I wanted it.” She could feel his heart gallop beneath the hand that remained against his chest. Taking a deep breath, she continued. “Mac, I want us to try . . . you know, to have a real relationship.” Ava was feeling light-headed at her admission, but also proud that she had actually gotten the words out.

  Mac looked stunned, opening and closing his mouth a few times before finally saying something. “Avie . . . what exactly do you mean by that?”

  “You’re not going to make this easy on me, are you?” She laughed nervously. Mac, on the other hand, didn’t even crack a smile. “Uh . . . what I’m trying to say, apparently not very successfully, is that I’d like for us to go out, you know, like on a date. We don’t have to jump right into a relationship if you don’t want to, but I’d like to start somewhere—with you.”

  He dropped her hand and started tugging on his hair as he always did when he was agitated. She wasn’t an expert on men by a long shot, but it didn’t seem like a good sign to her. Maybe she had been expecting him to twirl her in his arms like some kind of romance movie plotline when instead he looked as though he was about to puke. Yeah, it was a real ego booster. With every yank of his hair, her hopes were plummeting. “Why now?” he finally asked. She quelled the urge to look at the floor to see if there was any hair lying there from his tug-of-war with his locks.

  When she tried to turn away, thinking it would be easier to talk to the wall than to face him, he grabbed her arm, pulling her almost nose-to-nose, and just waited. “I don’t want to lose you,” she admitted.

  Appearing frustrated with her answer, he asked, “Is this because of Gwen and the fact that you and I aren’t spending as much time together?” He looked as if he was in physical pain when he added, “I think you just miss your buddy. I’ll move things around so we can have a drink together like we used to, okay?”

  She wanted to reach out and choke the man. He was talking to her as if she were a child who needed to be pacified. Either he wasn’t hearing anything she was saying or he didn’t want to understand. Why were all the men in her life so damn frustrating lately? “That’s not what I meant, Mac! I’m not talking about our friendship or lack of it lately. I want what you’ve wanted from me for years, but I’ve been unable to give you. I want to hold your hand, kiss you, and . . . love you. Not as your friend, though. I’m ready for more.”

  Ava jumped when he turned away, pounding his fist in his hands. In contrast his voice was calm when he spoke. “Ava, I gave you every chance to show me that you returned my feelings. I opened my life and my heart to you, but you never gave me anything back in return other than friendship and a stiff arm if I got too close. You twisted me in knots for years. It was torture to be close to you and hell not to be. Finally, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I had to move on. I have moved on.”

  He still refused to turn back around and face her, which made it easier for her to whisper, “But you love me. You always have.”

  Mac was quiet for so long that Ava started to wonder if he had heard her. Then he turned back to her, his eyes bleak and distant. “Sometimes it’s not enough. I’m happy now. You were just discussing going all the way with Dominic yesterday, so I’m not even sure why we’re having this conversation.” Opening the door, he stepped outside before adding, “I’ll have one of the guys drop your car off later if you’ll give me the key.”

  Feeling a hot tear start to trickle down her cheek, she lowered her head, desperately trying to maintain a shred of her pride as she pulled the key from her pocket and handed it to him. Without another word, he closed the door behind him and Ava collapsed backward into her living room chair. One benefit of never putting herself out there was that she’d never had to feel this sting of rejection. She’d never had the man she loved tell her that he was happy with someone else . . . until now . . . and it hurt so fucking much that she just wanted to curl up into a ball and withdraw into her shell. She had never seriously considered what would happen to her if Mac wasn’t willing to listen to her or if he didn’t return her feelings.

  Was she messing up his life—again? Should she walk away now and let him go? She would have thrown a full-blown pity party if not for one thing: he didn’t seem happy. They used to laugh together. He was always smiling when they ran into each other, no matter where it was. Now he just looked so sad or—the last few days—mad whenever they were together. Wouldn’t someone who was in love and happy seem, well . . . happy? Maybe it was a small hope, but it was something to cling to. If she stopped now after one rebuff, then she was right back to doing what she always had done, taking the easy way out, running away before things got tough. She had to be the one to pursue him now. If nothing else, her crazy stunts were getting to him. Maybe tomorrow she’d wear one of the new outfits she had bought at the mall and try the simple laws of attraction before deciding on her next stunt. Hopefully, she could find a new hobby to try that wasn’t horribly scary. It would all be worth it in the end . . . or at least she hoped so.

  * * *

  He was officially in hell and had no idea what to do next. Ava’s admission had him reeling, and he was pretty sure that he wasn’t even fit to drive himself home at this point. He kept hearing her tell him that she wanted a relationship with him . . . wanted to start dating him. He would have given everything he had a few months ago to hear those words coming from her plump pink lips. While his head had been spinning, his cock had been rearing its eager head, raring to make his dreams a reality. He had felt physically sick when he lied to her face, telling her that he was happy now. Maybe he had been getting by and most days succeeding before she had suddenly taken a one eighty the last few days and started throwing out all kinds of mixed signals.

  First she was draped all over Dominic on his bike, looking like a fallen angel, and then she was sticking that sweet little tongue of hers in his mouth and sucking his tongue hard enough to make him come in his pants. Next she was back on Dom’s bike and apparently considering sleeping with him. Now suddenly today she wanted to date Mac and move forward. Shit, his mind couldn’t process her behavior fast enough to figure out where she would be next.

  Ava had always been a constant in his life. Even if he didn’t like what she did at times, like the fucking one-night stands, she was fairly predictable. It hurt like hell, but he recovered from those because they never seemed to mean anything to her. People had needs and like her, he scratched that itch when it was necessary. Would he have rather they both scratched each other’s? Hell yeah, but she’d never allowed that to happen.

  One problem now was that he hadn’t scratched his itch in far too long. He and Gwen had not slept together yet. They’d rounded several bases, but she had made it clear in the beginning that she wanted to start things slow and see where they went. Lately, she had seemed to be running toward third and getting close to home plate and he found himself at a crossroads he had never encountered before. Gwen wasn’t the type of person to give herself physically without expecting something more in return. She was a good person, and she deserved a commitment. If he s
lept with her, then things would get complicated in a hurry. He had been comfortable with that fact—knowing that it was the next step to moving on—until what had happened this weekend.

  Now things were more up in the air than ever before, and he felt he just needed some space to process things. Unfortunately, he was meeting Gwen for dinner tonight. She was supposed to be back in town in a few hours, and they were having an early meal before she went home. Except the last thing he wanted right now was to see either her or Ava for that matter. He was too twisted up inside.

  He couldn’t believe his Avie was finally on the same page that he had been on for years and he’d walked away from her. What could he do, though? His heart had been shredded by her lack of reciprocation for his feelings for so long that he had trouble believing that she meant what she was saying now. Although he didn’t doubt that something had changed in her recently. There was a spark in her eyes that hadn’t been there since she was a teenager . . . since that night so long ago. He felt certain that he and Ava would have been a couple; he’d probably even married her by now if not for what that bastard did to her. It had changed the sweet, funny, outgoing girl he had been patiently waiting on to grow up into a woman who wanted to close out the world.

  He’d made it his job after leaving the military to spend as much time with her as possible. They’d grown as close as she would allow and sometimes he would catch her looking at him with something akin to longing in her eyes. Those times broke him apart because he felt exactly the same need for her. Then the walls would go back up and she’d bring some random man in for the night and effectively put him back in his place. Thus, the cycle continued for years with only the one kiss that he’d attempted to initiate before he’d officially decided to move on with his life.

  Now he had a couple of hours to go home and relax before meeting Gwen. He felt sure the conflict that was raging inside him would be obvious to anyone who cared enough to look. He only hoped that Gwen would attribute it to something other than Ava. She had already questioned the relationship between them more than once. He knew that Gwen would be doubly suspicious after his actions in the parking garage when they’d run into Dominic and Ava as they were leaving on Dom’s bike. Yeah, for someone normally so calm and cool, he seemed to be misfiring at every corner lately.

  Chapter Ten

  Ava fought the urge to cover her chest with her hands as she walked toward the entrance of Danvers International on Monday morning. She was wearing one of the new outfits that she had recently purchased and it was more formfitting than she was comfortable with. The Indian blue silk wrap dress molded to her slim figure as if it had been made just for her. The neckline, while still being modest enough for work, showed a hint of cleavage. Actually, it took her modest-sized girls, as Emma called them, and made them appear almost voluptuous. The hemline ended just above her knees, showing more tanned leg than she normally displayed.

  She had left her long blond hair loose, and it hung down her back in waves. She had been surprised to catch more than one man staring at her as she made her way through the parking garage. When she heard a whistle from behind, she sped up, trying to reach the safety of the building. She was almost to the door when she heard male laughter then a familiar voice. “Ava Stone, what a vision you are this morning.”

  Whirling around, she gasped in relief when she saw the admiring eyes of Mark DeSanto. Mark’s company, the DeSanto Group, had been a partner in some projects with Brant and Ava’s previous company. Through them, Mark was now working on some projects with Jason and Danvers International. One night, after one too many drinks, she had found herself back at Mark’s home. Things had been fine until he had playfully held her arms above her head as he’d kissed her. Ava had completely freaked out then. She had had some small panic attacks before, but that one had been epic. Poor Mark had been on the verge of dialing 911 before finally handing her a bag to breathe in. Afterward, she had explained some of her past trauma and he had understood. Mark didn’t do girlfriends, but in that moment, he had decided to make an allowance for having a woman as strictly a friend. He was a great man but seemed to have just as many issues with intimacy as she did. He didn’t talk about his past, but Ava had a feeling there was a story there.

  Thanks to their odd friendship of sorts, she felt herself relax. When you freak out while trying to have sex with someone, there isn’t a lot left that you can do to embarrass yourself in front of him. In a weird way, it had made friendship between a man and woman almost pressure free. “Mark, I didn’t know you were back in town.”

  Mark curled an arm around her waist before dropping a kiss on her cheek. Still holding on to her, he pulled back slightly, running his gaze along her from head to toe. “Wow, look at you, my beauty. I was sitting in my car when I saw you walk by. I was obsessed with watching your hips sway before I realized it was you.”

  Ava felt her cheeks color slightly at his words. She knew him well enough to know that he actually meant he was staring at her ass and thinking about picking her up before he recognized her and knew it was futile. “Er . . . thanks . . . I think. So, where have you been?” she asked as they stepped into the lobby.

  With a wolfish grin, he said, “Ah, you know . . . around. Enough about me, though. Whatever has happened to my little dove? You’ve turned into something far more exotic since I’ve been away, and I’m intrigued.” Before she could answer, the lobby doors opened near them, and she saw Mac striding in. She almost swallowed her tongue when his gaze immediately went to her before passing by and then coming abruptly back. If she had wanted his attention today, she had it. His mouth thinned as he took in the arm that Mark still had curved casually around her waist. She could almost see the internal debate raging within him before he walked over to them.

  “Ava, DeSanto.”

  Without dropping his arm, Mark extended his other hand, saying, “Mac, good to see you again, buddy.” Ava knew that Mark had joined her brothers and Mac for drinks on several occasions. Mark didn’t seem the type to ever forget a name or a face, and he made no reaction to the frown Mac was directing his way as he returned the handshake. With a devious curl of his lips, Mark pointed to her, then back to Mac. “I was just telling Ava that she looked beautiful today. Just like a ripe, juicy peach, wouldn’t you agree?”

  Almost as if on cue, Ava saw the tic in Mac’s jaw. She’d heard of a nervous tic, but apparently Mac had an angry one. She’d never noticed it before, but he’d also never seemed as angry around her in the past as he was now. She only hoped that was a good sign.

  “She always looks beautiful,” Mac said gruffly. Mark looked strangely pleased with Mac’s answer for some reason that she couldn’t fathom. He knew a lot of the history there, so maybe he had decided to try his hand at matchmaker as well. That probably wasn’t a great idea, as she already had help from Dominic. She didn’t want to go from looking desirable to other men to just downright slutty. Her mind had drifted for a moment when Mac jerked her back to the present by asking, “Can I talk to you for a minute, Avie?”

  Mark took the cue, giving her arm a brief squeeze before saying, “I have an early meeting with Jason. Ava, let’s have lunch one day this week, okay?” She nodded in agreement before he walked toward the elevators. The receptionist looked thrilled when he said hello as he passed. Mark was a handsome man and the expensive suit that he wore only added to his allure.

  “If you’re finished staring, we can grab a coffee on the way up.” She turned to Mac in surprise, noting that he looked miffed. He pointed toward the cafeteria before asking, “Is he why you’re dressed up today?”

  She stopped in her tracks and turned to face him. “Of course not. I didn’t even know he was back.”

  He looked doubtful for a moment before saying, “For Dominic, then?”

  Now he was just starting to annoy her. So maybe her sudden association with Dominic looked a little suspicious. Did he really think that she would profess to have feelings for him yesterday while chasing after every
other man in sight? Somehow she had thought that after years of friendship, his opinion of her might be a little higher than that. She stepped right up in his face, with only a few inches separating them, and said through gritted teeth, “Did you maybe think, for even a minute, that I wore this dress today for you? So maybe you would think I look pretty?”

  Suddenly, Gage appeared over Mac’s shoulder holding a steaming cup of coffee and a donut. He gave her a sexy grin before freezing in place. “Holy shit, Ava?”

  Ava wanted to laugh at the look of shock on Gage’s face. Then she had a sobering thought. She must look rather bad every day in her usual attire for the men around her to be so amazed by her appearance today. “Good morning, Gage.”

  The other man took a bite of his donut while continuing to look at her in fascination. “Honey, you look hot as the fires of—”

  Before he could finish his sentence, Mac turned to glower at him. “Don’t you have somewhere else to be?”

  Gage wiggled his eyebrows, saying, “No, actually I don’t, but you might want to consider it.” At Mac’s look of inquiry, Gage added, “Your girlfriend is in the cafeteria. Things look a little intense between you and your BFF here, so just a suggestion.” He took the last bite of his donut and wiped his hands down his thighs before stepping forward to extend his arm to Ava. “How would you like to make my day and let me escort you to your floor?”

  Ava felt a stab to the heart as Mac’s mouth twisted when she reluctantly took Gage’s proffered arm, but he didn’t object. He stood there still as stone and let her walk away so that he could wait for Gwen. She tried to laugh at Gage’s jokes, but her heart just wasn’t in it. When they reached her floor, she turned to smile. “Thanks, Gage. I think I’ve got it from here.”